The qualities that initially draw us to a partner those standout traits that make them uniquely appealing can sometimes become the very reasons a relationship falls apart. What begins as admiration can, over time, transform into dissatisfaction, a phenomenon known as “fatal attraction.” This intriguing dynamic highlights how the traits we once found irresistible can eventually feel like dealbreakers.

One of the more unusual terms to enter the cultural lexicon in 2024 is “the ick,” recently added to the Cambridge Dictionary. The term describes that sudden, gut-wrenching moment when a partner’s behavior or characteristic becomes so unattractive that it irrevocably changes how we see them. Unlike other relationship issues, “the ick” is often seen as incurable a fleeting yet powerful shift in perception that can spell the end of a romance.

While “the ick” might sound lighthearted, it underscores a deeper truth: the qualities we initially adore in a partner can later become sources of frustration or even repulsion. This phenomenon, referred to as “fatal attraction,” occurs when someone grows to dislike aspects of a partner they were once drawn to. As Diane Felmlee, a social psychologist at Penn State University, explains, “It doesn’t mean fatal in the sense of deadly, but fatal as in prophetic.” In other words, the seeds of a breakup can sometimes be found in the very traits that sparked the relationship.

Felmlee’s research delves into the reasons people are initially attracted to their partners, why they become dissatisfied, and what ultimately leads to breakups. She found that many people cite unmet needs as a primary cause for ending a relationship. However, these unmet needs often stem from the same qualities that initially made their partner appealing. For example, someone might be drawn to a partner’s considerate nature, only to later complain that they apologize too much. “It’s a negative way of looking at a positive trait,” Felmlee notes.

Other examples abound: a partner with a high-powered job might initially seem ambitious and successful, but over time, their long hours at work could feel neglectful. A funny, lighthearted partner might eventually be seen as unserious or irresponsible. Easygoing partners might start to seem flaky or unreliable. “Easygoing is great, as long as you’re punctual,” Felmlee quips. Similarly, traits like strength and confidence can later be perceived as controlling or overbearing, while kindness might be reinterpreted as being a pushover.

Felmlee’s research suggests that the stronger the initial attraction to a particular trait, the more likely it is to become a source of dissatisfaction later. This is partly because the qualities that make someone stand out in the early stages of a relationship are often extreme. “We don’t describe partners as ‘kind of helpful’ or ‘a little hardworking,'” Felmlee points out. “The more extreme the trait, the more likely it is to become a problem over time.”

There’s also an element of naivety at play. In the throes of infatuation, we may overlook the potential downsides of a partner’s most striking characteristics. But as the initial excitement fades, we begin to see how those traits might negatively impact the relationship. This reevaluation often happens gradually, unlike the sudden onset of “the ick.”

Interestingly, couples who have been together for 10 to 21 years tend to experience the lowest levels of relationship adjustment, making it harder for them to resolve conflicts or adapt to new challenges. This underscores the importance of regularly reevaluating relationship satisfaction. According to Samantha Joel, a psychologist at Western University in Canada, relationship quality is a strong predictor of overall well-being. People in unhappy relationships often face poorer physical and mental health, higher blood pressure, and worse work-life balance.

Ultimately, understanding the dynamics of fatal attraction can help us navigate the complexities of relationships. By recognizing how our perceptions of a partner’s traits can shift over time, we can approach relationships with greater awareness and empathy and perhaps avoid the pitfalls of falling out of love with the very qualities that once made us fall in.